Less of a Woman?

When my daughter was diagnosed with duodenal atresia I started to mentally prepare for a C-Section delivery. My doctor didn't say c-Section for sure but I figured best to be prepared since I was high risk with the extra fluid. At first I was disappointed thinking about the surgery and felt less like a woman. I was reassured at future doctor appointments when my doctor said she thought a normal delivery would still be possible. 

Fortunately, I was mentally prepared for a C-Section when my doctor decided to deliver that way while I was in labor. The call was made at 7:30pm on May 16th because my baby girl's heart rate dropped during what the monitor called an "intense" contraction. I still didn't think it was a very intense contraction. The nurse threw an oxygen mask on my (no idea why) and a slew of people came in and out of my triage area. I signed away my life and saw a variety of medical professionals. The nurse explained the C-Section process to me and the anesthesia tech explained how I would be numbed from chest down. The tech asked what kind of music I wanted to hear and I requested hip-hop. Best decision of the day.

Sometime around 9:30pm the team wheeled me out of the triage area into surgery. I had to say goodbye to my husband while the team prepared me for the surgery. I was scared! The only surgery I ever had was getting my wisdom teeth removed. When the surgery room door opened and I heard hip-hop blasting I burst into laughter. I wish I could remember the first song I heard but the next song was "Snap Yo Fingers" and I did a little dance on the table. Next came, "In Da Club" which was appropriate for celebrating my baby girl's birthday. 

Getting the epidural was painless. It felt a little cold and then I felt it drain down my legs. The team helped me lay down and I thought it would be a good idea to try and wiggle my toes. Don't try to move your feet or legs after getting an epidural. Your brain sends the signal but your body doesn't move...freaky! My husband came in and my doctor checked to make sure I couldn't feel anything. Go time! 

In about 3 minutes the anesthesia tech was lifting me up so I could see my baby girl coming out. Holy cow! What an incredible sight. She was covered in goo but she was here at 10:01pm. I waited patiently for her first little whimper and felt instant relief when I heard her cry. The NICU team took my baby to the warmer, drained fluid and cleaned her up. My doctor stitched me up and I couldn't believe she was having a normal conversation about weekend plans with the team. I guess a C-Section is as routine for her as interviewing is for me. 

The C-Section process was quick and painless. After the surgery I spent about an hour in recovery before being admitted into my maternity ward room. My husband and I started sharing the good news via text. Crazy how you can have this major abdominal surgery and then get access to your phone and start connecting with friends and family. Sometime around 1am I was admitted into maternity and could get settled into my room.

I was hooked up to all kinds of machines. I had these fancy compression socks on my legs to help prevent blood clots and an IV drip running nutrition into my body. I was incredibly thirsty and hot. My body was also itchy from the anesthesia. The nurse or patient care assistant visited my room every hour to check on me and my recovery. My poor husband tried to sleep on a small cot in the corner despite the noise. Sleep was impossible for me. With the noise of the machines nurse interruptions and unfamiliarity of it all the best I could do was nap briefly. 

At 6:00am the nurse asked me if I wanted to try pumping. My immediate response was no (I was too sleepy to even think about it). Luckily, my husband chimed in and encouraged me to give it a try. The nurse gave us a crash course on pump set up and pumping basics while we still groggy (not an ideal time for such an important lesson) and put these cone things on my boobs. With the push of a button, the machine started pulling my boobs into the cones and miraculously a little bit of colostrum came out. The nurse praised me and with that positive enforcement and success I was hooked. More on pumping later.

The day after my C-Section the nurse helped me get out of bed into a wheelchair to go see my baby girl. Holy pain! Moving felt like my stomach was being stabbed by multiple knives while being pulled apart at the same time. Later that night, despite my best bargaining the nurse removed my cathater. I was now forced to get in and out of bed more often. The pain was horrific, I dropped the F bomb on the hews nurse and it was demoralizing to call for help to get out of bed to pee. The pain I felt trying to sit on the toilet after a marathon was nothing compared to this! When my husband got back to the hospital the next day he was the lucky bathroom assistant. What a humbling experience for a very active, independent woman. Guess those vows are accurate, through sickness and health. If the process of having a baby and delivering that baby doesn't bring you closer to your husband I think you might have some issues to work out. 

Each time I got out of bed got a little bit better. My husband taught me how to work my bed to my advantage and to use the recline feature to my advantage. A smart nurse taught me to breathe (channel your inner yogi) during the most painful parts. Eventually, I was able to get out of bed on my own. 

The process of C-Section recovery is a slow one. The hospital sent me home with a binder (apparently women order these things on their own to help get their figures back) and I can't wait to stop wearing mine. My husband said it is just a way for me to get used to wearing high-waited mom jeans. (Not happening anytime soon!) Yesterday (nearly two weeks after surgery) I sneezed my first non-painful sneeze. I stopped taking the pain medication about a week ago and no longer need Motrin. Things are starting to look up! I guess that nurse who made me get up out of bed at night was right. Moving around does help with recovery. I definitely don't feel like less of a woman after the process is done and over with. If anything, I feel like a champ!

Is It Real?

No matter how much you read your mind still plays tricks on you when it comes to labor. I felt Braxton I hicks contractions during the weeks leading up to my baby's birth. Sometimes there were a couple and they went away. Other times they lasted a while but never got stronger, longer or closer together. (Yes! I retained something from birth class.) I never wanted to be that girl that showed up to the hospital thinking I was in labor for it to be a false alarm (however...better safe than sorry). 

The night before my daughter was born the BH contractions lasted a good 5 hours. I kept wondering if it real? I went to bed thinking I would sleep them off and discuss in the am with my doctor. My body must have known something big was going to happen. Just like the night before a marathon I didn't sleep much. I was up every few hours wishing and wondering. 

I was doing bi-weekly doctor visits because of the duodenal atresia. At my appointment in the am I discussed what I was experiencing the night before. My doctor informed me that I was in fact in early labor. She directed me to head to the hospital if I felt more contractions during the day. Since I was carrying a lot of extra amniotic fluid due to the duodenal atresia I was considered high risk. If my water broke at home the umbilical cord could flush out with it which is bad bad news. Excitement, anxiety and a bit of fear came over me. I was going to deliver a baby! The day I dreamed about for 9 months was finally here. 

Back at home from the doctor's office my husband and I rushed to get ready to go to the hospital. I put the finishing touches on packing and he confirmed arrangements for our first born Pug babies. By the time we left home I was having contractions every 5 minutes. Checking into the hospital was surreal. They admitted me to triage where the nurse presented me with a giant hospital gown and hooked me up to monitors. She practically laughed at me for coming into the hospital since my contractions felt like a 1 on a pain scale of 1-10. After checking with my doctor, she ordered me to walk around for an hour. Nothing like a little pre-delivery exercise to get the blood flowing. There are not many options for an hour walk around a hospital. My husband and I ended up in some creepy hallway with deserted hospital equipment. It looked like we were in the scene of a scary movie. 

After my walk the nurse checked to see how much I was dilated. For me this was the most painful part of the whole labor process. I was still at a 2 which was the same number I was at in the morning at my doctor's office. I had what the machine called a big contraction (1.3 on my scale) and my baby's heart rate dropped. Major red flag! This was an indicator that baby girl was not responding well to labor. I wasn't even in active labor yet so doctor decided to deliver C-section. 

Staying Sane

I am an incredibly active person. I thrive when I have a lot to do. Give me a packed day at the office and I am more productive. I am the definition of if you want something done give it to a busy person. 

I went on leave at week 35. I know there are many women who go out on leave much earlier so I didn't have it that bad. The first two days were nice. I slept in, watched Price is Right, caught up on social media, organized boards on Pinterest and took a nap. I made a to-do list and took care of maternity leave paperwork and applying for state disability. By day three over half of my list was complete and I was bored out of my mind. Daytime TV is awful, you can only read so much (5 books read while on leave) and social media gets incredibly boring when you check it every 5 minutes. 

I kept myself busy with some projects. I started baby girl's scrapbook and baby book. I organized all of our pictures from random albums and piles into matching albums. I became an expert Etsy shopper. 

So many people told me things that a woman on rest should never hear. 

"I wish I could get a vacation." - Rest is not a vacation. Pregnant women on bed rest / modified rest are not going to some tropical island to sip fruity drinks. We are stuck in bed or at home with limited activities and entertainment options. 

"Enjoy rest while you have it because once the baby arrives you won't get rest." - Women who are put on rest have something wrong with their pregnancy or baby. I never heard of a woman going on rest at week 34 because everything is going just great! Yeah, we might be napping and sleeping but we are also worrying a ton. I would much rather be exhausted from working during my third trimester than having a baby with a known birth defect.

"I'm jealous. I wish I could go on leave from work." - Again, this is not a vacation people! Plus, women on leave typically loose income. Yes, we can get state DI but it's not always 100% of out income. 

I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Because I was forced to rest and slow down I was able to reflect on my pregnancy. I discovered three things I loved about being pregnant. 

The first is that my husband and I became so much closer during my pregnancy and especially during leave. He was my rock when we got our diagnosis at week 33. My husband was so strong for me when we heard the news about our baby girl. I am such an independent woman and perhaps a bit stubborn. During leave I was forced to rely on my husband. He took on so much to make my leave as comfortable as possible. This experience made me fall in love with my husband all over again. I am so appreciative and grateful to have an incredible partner. 

The second thing I loved about being pregnant was feeling my baby girl move. When I stopped working I felt her more. Those little rolls and jabs kept me motivated when I felt big as a house and incredibly uncomfortable. I got to experience something with my baby that no one else could. 

The third thing I loved about being pregnant was all of the attention. People are super nice to pregnant women. Because of the duodenal atresia and extra amniotic fluid I was carrying bigger than normal. At 33 weeks I was carrying as if I was full-term. I got a lot of attention for several weeks. 

I tried to stay as positive as I could during leave. I believed that my baby could sense what I was feeling. I needed to keep her inside for as along as possible and I tried to make the best of rest. 

Week 33 Diagnosis

I might not have the best habit of blogging. It's been a while since I've written a post. Isn't that the great thing about writing? It can be used as an outlet whenever needed. I started this blog when I moved to LA in 2009 for a few reasons. It became a great way for me to capture my experiences in a new city as I became more and more independent. My blog was also a way for me to share my experiences with loved ones back in St. Louis. I guess it was also a way to fill time while I waited to start my new job in LA.

Now, I feel compelled to utilize my blog for a different reason. I want to help women. Specifically, I want to help new moms. Yeah, a lot has changed since my last post in December 2011. Maybe someday I will go back and write about some of the amazing experiences and goals archived during that time.I definitely want to write about my decision to become pregnant and some highlights of my pregnancy. For now, I'm going to start with my 33rd week of pregnancy. 

Fortunately, I had a very easy pregnancy. I managed to avoid the dreaded morning sickness, craved donuts but still maintained my workout routine and experienced only the common aches and pains. All of that change dramatically during our 33rd week ultrasound. As I laid on the table all I could focus on was confirming if my baby was really a girl. We were told to expect a girl so naturally all of my gifts were pink. In fact, our second bedroom could double as a baby clothing store specializing in everything girlie. I was in trouble and needed to make a lot of returns and exchanges if my little nugget was in fact a boy. I was so excited to get the confirmation that pink, Barbies and princesses were in deed in my future that I failed to pick up on the insane amount of pictures begin taken by the technician. I did, however, notice a big black spot in my baby's abdomen. I inquired about the spot and the tech mentioned something about fluid showing up on the ultrasound as black and my doctor would discuss more. At the end of the ultrasound the tech announced that she needed to check with the front desk about next steps. Strange! The next step is for me to walk out of the doctor's office and go home to nap. When the tech appeared with a nurse I should have been alarmed. The nurse gave me appointment times to come back the next day to discuss the ultrasound results with my doctor. The next day? Don't these people know who I am? I am a career woman with meetings booked from 7:30am - 3:00pm the next day. I didn't understand why I needed to come back so soon. Couldn't we discuss the results next week during my routine appointment? Thankfully, my husband (the voice of reason) spoke up and said either time worked for him. Hesitantly, I accepted an appointment time and my brain went to work on how to re-arrange my work day. It wasn't until we got into the car that it hit me like a ton of bricks. Something was wrong with my baby! 

The doctor informed us that the double bubble is a sign that the baby might have duodenal atresia. A birth defect that affects 1 in 5,000 or 1 in 10,000 (number varies between sources) babies. Simply put, the small bowel did not properly attach to the abdomen. It could be completely disconnected or blocked. Doctors wouldn't know the exact situation until after birth. The baby could remain in my womb until labor with no real issues but would need a non-urgent surgery after birth. The doctor set us up to see a perinatal specialist on Monday. The specialist would be able to confirm the suspected duodenal atresia and give us more information. All we needed to do was get through the weekend.

The weekend was torture! I wanted answers, guidance and direction. I spent hours googling double bubble and duodenal atresia. The majority of the time I came across articles, research, blogs and message boards associated with Down syndrome (DS). 20-30% of babies with duodenal atresia also have DS. I couldn't stop thinking about our diagnosis, our baby and any other conditions associated with her birth defect. 

I shed many, many tears over that weekend. I was scared, concerned and disappointed. What did I do wrong? Was it that glass of wine I had to have after we conceived before I confirmed I was pregnant? Was it the coffee I refused to totally give up? No, I didn't do anything wrong. Duodenal atresia is a birth defect that just happens. Thankfully, my husband came across one article. A father wrote about his experience with duodenal atresia and the outcome was very positive. I read that article many times during the last few weeks of my pregnancy because it gave me hope. That is exactly what I hope this post will do for someone. There needs to be more information available to expecting parents who receive the diagnosis that is not associated with any other condition. I am by no means dismissing the significance and emotions associated with other conditions. 

The perinatal specialist confirmed the double bubble during an extensive ultrasound. I asked him to look for some of the DS markers. My baby's femur was normal and she had four chambers in he heart. Her brain development looked great but he couldn't get a clear picture of her head to check her nose. My husband and I decided to do the genetic testing to rule out other disorders. During the week it took for the results to come in I continued to WebMD myself and read as much as I could about duodenal atresia and DS.

At my 34 week doctor appointment my doctor decided to put me on modified rest. Because of the duodenal atresia, baby girl couldn't process amniotic fluid. I was carrying twice the normal amount of fluid. As a result, my belly was huge and the extra pressure could trigger the uterus to start contractions. My doctor wanted me to get to 38 weeks so we didn't deliver premature on top of the condition. I had two days to finish up my projects at the office and fully transition to maternity leave. 2 days?! I was starting to get uncomfortable from the size of my belly, but I was hoping to work right up to delivery. Instead of suits and meetings my new job would require my husband's t-shirts and sweatpants and sitting on my butt. My job was to keep this baby in. I had to stop working out, limit walking around and rest as much as possible.